A month later I can finally reveal the gruesome details of my honeymoon with lisa

               I am well aware that you all waited with bated breath, slept little and ate nothing but rice cakes during the five days that I was forced/whipped/seduced/coherced/bamboozled/anally probed into joining the world's favorite STD showroom lisa Petersen on a honeymoon to the exotic island of Santorini (located somewhere in the mythical mediterranean sea, right by the mythical clitorris).  It has taken a month, filled with LSD, hookers and Fall out Boy listening parties to clear the stench of this horriffic odyssey from the dark depths of my mind.  I feel now, after a few back alley blow jobs, a lovely new mail order Thai bride, and a hundred tablets of zanax and prozac a day, that I am able to talk about this death defying endeavour without shitting myself.
               To begin with we landed in the city of Athens, a city once proud of its  cultural heritage, but one that has now seemingly given up and stopped trying to be anything more than a cesspool and a kennel for stray dogs and hairy greek men.  In greece it is illegal to spay or neuter dogs, and it is the legal obligation of everyone to take care of these dogs, which no one does because, if you didn't know, greece has a collective economy of four dollars a day (for around 30 million people).  Because of this at night the dogs, which are extremely docile and kind of cute (if flea infested) during the day, join into packs which roam the streets and legitmately try to attack passing cars and people in order to satiate their empty stomachs.  Since Greece has no money to speak of everyone is Athens spends their days trying to rip everything from their pockets, which Lisa made easy by giving her wallet to the first cute guy she saw.  Three hours after we left Athens on a ferry into the mediterranean the entire city erupted into riots that eventually turned violent (something about the government cutting 50% of its budget and leaving lots of people homeless and out of work, what a bunch of fucking whiners), which was lucky to say the least.

Lovely Tolerant Little Place

On the expansive ocean liner that we took to Santorini a suave 40 year old Australian gentleman sat next to us and regaled us about his life story and showed us many magic tricks.  This of course tremendously titillated Lisa, who, if you haven't heard four billion times, went to Australia last spring and is convinced that it is a land of milk and honey devoid of problems, hate, racism or debased aboriginal communities who were hunted down and slaughtered by the white australian people she loves so much.  Naturally she flirted with him like it was her business (she actually has a business for this, the flyers are all over Kenya already) and we discovered that he was a traveling plumber who had fixed toilets in every corner of the world (this is real life people)...casual cultural encounter occurring here.  Additionally he graced us with one of the more magnificent magic tricks I have ever seen...this man, possibly through divine or clairvoyant powers, was able to guess what finger (1 or 2) we were holding behind our backs ONE OUT OF THREE TIMES!!!! It was truly an inspirational moment and only made me fall further into my devout belief in the superstitious and supernatural.  After Lisa finished him off we disembarked from the ferry and Lisa bared her breasts so we could get a cheap cab ride to our villa (literally called a villa, holla).

My gorgeous date

      The island that we reached is a veritable paradise, filled with legs of sizzling gyro meat every ten feet and lots of cute greek boys (greeks love man-boy love, seriously) and some of the most beautiful cliffs/beaches/hills/volcanos in the entire world.  But that's not very funny to talk about.  Some of the things Lisa engaged in during our five days in Santorini include driving me around the entire island on a motorcycle, jumping off a cliff (sadly not for the right reasons :/ ), not giving me head the 100 times I asked, not spooning with me on my goddamn honeymoon, failing to put on sunscreen on the beach because she said (public health major here) that "the sun is as harmless as global warming" and also buying 30 dollars worth of fried squid only to say that it was 'too chewy' (real life). 

The internet is a simply wonderful thing

    Now to the center of the story.  This sojourn to the beachy wonderland of Santorini was dubbed a 'honeymoon' by Lisa, but instead of engaging in raunchy cowboys and indians foreplay sex with me she locked herself in a carnal struggle with a serious of donkeys and goats.  Typical. 
    I have to go watch another Jew get circumcised now.

Yummy!

    You might be saying, "this blog wasn't even that funny, the story cuts off halfway through and it wasn't even that captivating to begin with," you might even say that "lisa didn't really do these things, i know that she is an upstanding girl and not quite as ditsy as you artfully portrayed."  To those ignorant queefs I respond with

Thank god this man existed

And now quite bitching, I'm in the middle of an early life crisis involving eating too much delicious hummus and falafel right now.

The Jews and Their Foibles (don't be offended, I love them)

Jews are an interesting sort of people, the type that get their own country no matter how many other countries attack them simultaneously, and then they do what they want, when they want, in those borders, because, well, they have the worlds best army.  Before I ventured to Jewrusalem to find the legendary pot of Jew gold that Eric Cartman (one of my good friends) kept telling me was real I had maybe met four Jews in my life (hereafter referred to as Jesus killers, joking!).  But I knew I would find a kindred spirit in them due to my circumcision (who puts a hat on a sausage, really god?) and my tight tight pockets and my penchant for napping all of Saturday.  Little did I know that I was about to enter a maelstorm of "shalom shabbot"s, "you can't touch that girl"s and "Lisa cant wear booty shorts here"s and big tall black ten gallon hats and qui gon jin (star wars) hair curls and elevators that go to every single floor for 25 hours each week.  For days I have been surrounded by this strange culture that has never known the joy of a bacon cheeseburger, a college football game (on shabbos!) or a regular bowel movement (you try eating no dairy with your meals for two weeks, and I guarantee its going to look like pearl harbor in there).  At first I was afraid, i was petrified, kept thinking i could never keep jehovah satisfied, and then I spent so many nights with my kippa on my dome...something like that....

Lol Untrue Stereotypes!!!

But in time I grew to cherish these silly, cute jews, in the same way some people like the smurfs, they are sooo different and strange, but you cant look away when blue skinned people are talking.  Some of my favorite Jew facts, I swear, include these -
1. No pigs can touch the state of israel, and in order to get around this minor oddity the israelis raise pigs on pieces of timber that are elevated one meter above the ground, problem solved, bacon for the pagans, no sin for the jews!
2. One can't use a telephone on shabbos, but it is considered a mitzvah (something about a glory to God, kind of like finding a two for one for famous footwear on the ground) to have sex or get drunk on shabbos (which is conveniently 25 hours long)
3. Shabbos doesnt end until three stars are showing in the sky
4. Every place of living has to have a bomb shelter, maybe now my mom won't make fun of me for wanting reinforced concrete windows panes
5. Every beer comes with a 'free' shot, which is often nothing more than one drop of jaegermester/tequila/vodka mixed with delicious, sobering water...or, if you're lucky, they might give you a shot of arak, which tastes something like vaginal cheese, spunk and horse blood in a delectable 100 ml shot glass
6. I met someone who has been smoking hookah since he was five years old, and then I cried for all the years of lung-blackening I had missed out on
7. Israelis are some of the meanest people you will ever meet, lines (or queues) have little to no significance to them, they will push you out of the way, the taxi drivers will try to scam you constantly, and they will oggle any american girls that walk by (or dashing lads)
8. The bars are packed with IDF members (the israeli equivalent of the military, but way better, and not filled with dumb people (USA USA)), who Lisa loves to flirt with when she is blackout drunk, necessitating me staying with her until four in the morning to derail a potential 'gang bang' situation
9. Certain Jews can't listen to female singers over the age of 13, which means they can still listen to Justin Bieber (zing!)...This would be an empty world indeed, imagine a world without Cher's "Believe" and Trina's raunchy classic "My Neck, My Back"
10. Every four steps you take in Jerusalem accrues a mitzvah, which means that I could probably have sex with a goat (lisa style), every day for the rest of my life and still make it to heaven, yessssssssssssssssssss

Kinda Like My Favorite Christians for Abortion Group

Well I'm all out of Jew facts, I bet you are Jew, I mean too, no i meant Jew
Moment of Zen -

Is there anything they can't do?

What I would/would not do for a falafel? - A list

If you don't know what falafel is (which, if that's the case, you should reconsider where life has been taking you) you're a moron, and if you do you will understand that it is deep fried sex (which, from what I hear, is really, really fun, CANT WAIT)
What I would do for a falafel

This About Sums It Up

1. Listen to Sarah Palin talk about foreign policy for 24 hours
2. Give head to a random Arab man, especially if he had a machine gun
3. Go streaking on shabbos
4. TP the Dome of the Rock
5. Have sex with Lisa
6. Do a workout with Richard Simmons
7. Nair my scalp
8. Vote against gay marriage (equality can wait, hunger can't)
9. Get Eiffel Towered all day with no lube
10. Move to Libya

Things I would not do (this list is short)
1. Listen to two straight Radiohead songs
2. Go to a Mormon service
3. Deny Jesus three times (Peter was obviously doing it for falafel)
4. Travel to Gary, Indiana
5. Read an Ayn Rand book
6. Buy the damn falafel

Google claims this has something to do with falafel, I don't get it, but i guess they are mormon so that's funny

A Pressing Problem that Deserves a Forum for Serious Discussion In Order that this Pernicious Evil be brought to the attention of the willingly indifferent masses (to the detriment of all)

I know you are aware of what I'm talking about, you know exactly what problem I am furious about, and I know you have been waiting for someone to be brave enough to bring it to bear upon the unsuspecting masses.  For too long we have lived under this economic injustice, for too long we have suffered under this tyranny, unable to enjoy the basic rights afforded to any human simply for living, breathing and existing.  Like the French in the 1790s and the Red Sox in the early 2000's we have been through too much injustice, too long we have been without rights and the full respect we deserve.  Yes, I'm talking about the inflated prices of dildos in Europe.


Imagine how expensive this prank would be in Europe!!

 Did you know that a regular sized dildo (at least in comparison to me and my girthy member) that costs about, say, ten dollars in the land of the free, home of the Donald (trump), runs almost 25 euros (38 dollars!) in the communist experiment that is the Europe proper?  How is a man, working for minimum wage, trying to feed two children and pay for rent in a low scale apartment supposed to afford the amount of dildos needed to make life worth living (eight)?  Let's say a man named, conveniently, Jeff, owned a falafel stand in Jerusalem and had a loving wife (though not loving enough to fully satisfy him sexually, as who can satisfy such a titan of industry) and was barely scraping by and needed something to relieve him from the daily stress of being Jeff.  Let's say he had tried heroin, spray paint and smoking window glass (look it up, its real) and none of these had relieved the terrible tremors that haunted him at night as he sweated over being able to provide the basic necessities to his family.  Let's say the doctor had told him he just needed to relax and he had found, through some back alley experimenting, that this could be most efficiently and pleasurably achieved through the use of, say, the great american dildo.  Let's also imagine that he only had ten dollars to spare each month on such splurges of pleasure.  Now in America, land of the free indeed, he could buy a beautiful mahogany dildo for only ten dollars, because the owners of sex stores in america care about their customers and they want them to cum back time and time again, they dont do hard sells.  But in Europe he would have to forego an entire weeks supply of toilet paper (which he would probably need more of after thorough dildo useage) and give up his weekly shiatsu massage sessions simply to afford an economy sized, flimsy, carcinogenic dildo that lacks any semblance of ergonomic design, simply stated the type of dildo they used in ancient egypt, as prickly as a cactus and as fun as trigonometry.

They Also Try to Tell us that Incest is 'Evil'

      This isn't okay, Jeff, should be financially able to support himself and batter his anus in an affordable fashion.  The roots go deeper though. This is all, as I've been saying for some time, part of the worldwide plot (headed by the Jews no doubt) to make the world a boring and prudish place.  First they outlawed polygamy (womens rights!? yea the right to get out of the way while i seduce my other wife!), then they said bestiality was bad (but fat chicks can still marry, go figure), then marijuana was deemed harmful and they created, and then promptly banned, LSD, then the US government created Yoko Ono to destroy the Beatles and now someone, or rather something (like a Balrog), is trying to destabilize the dildo market in the European continent in hopes that it will create a human race so uptight and without joy in order that we will be easily conquered.  Call it conspiracy theorist ranting, but I got the word from the Big Man (Bruce Vilanch) that its true.  Stay tuned for more eye-popping info on this topic that concerns us all, humans, dogs, and homosexuals, as much as the next. 

Only Way to Defeat A Balrog, tisk tisk Gandalf

Moment of Zen
enjoy


The Man, Bruce Vilanch, Who Leaked this Sinister Plot



Why cant these two mate? I'd call it a perfect match if there ever was one

Germany - The land of my dreams

If Only Everyone in Germany was this cute, I'd fuck 'em all

If someone were to drop into my dreams (preferably naked) and look at what I am thinking on a daily nightly basis, not only would they vomit and probably see alot of nugget porn (dont look it up, I swear it will kill you, but i know you will, so in that case i will just explain that it is a mythical, as of yet undiscovered, form of porn that involves quadrapelegics, and is highly offensive) but they would also see a country resembling Germany, without the trees made of gumdrops and the buildings made of gyro meat. LONG SENTENCE ALERT.
I was surprised to discover that not everyone in Germany looks like Augustus Gloop, saurkraut is actually not that popular and that there aren't fetish festivals with people with spikes on their head dancing to Rammstein (though Shane wished that there were).
   Germany is the type of place that can produce Hitler and sauerkraut and still be the greatest place on Earth.  Granted, there are things in Germany that were frankly terrifying, such as the footlong rats that were in the park where we held a BBQ (true story) and the footlong penises that Lisa oggled, but other than that it could not have been improved.
Let's start with the basics, in Germany you can drink all over the streets, as in you can carry a beer bong down the streets and use it and people will high five you and tell you that you are too sober or you can pour vodka in your eyes at the local convenience store and destroy your vision and liver simultaneously, but legally as well.  This makes pre-gaming not a stagnant, 'hey lets play some pitbull cause he makes me want to party,' type of affair, but rather a, 'lets go biking a drink a beer in the middle of the street,' sort of thing.


Imagine This Having Sex

 Secondly, everyone smokes cigarettes in germany, the babies come out with camel reds in their mouths, and the old grandmas will debate the merits of marlboros or american spirits with you for hours.  This means that cigarettes also cost 2 euros for a pack, which delighted lisa to no end, i counted only seven minutes when she did not have a virginia slim (ironic) in her mouth. 

We tried to tell her, but she wouldn't listen

The music at the bars isn't the generic, 'i cant sing but I will because Americans are stupid and only listen to singles and songs without guitars or talent and listen to the EXACT SAME music every night at bars because their brains are too small to process anymore than forty songs over a lifetime,' and there are bars that will play all of the Red Hot Chili Peppers' Stadium Arcadium on a Friday night because that's what bars should do.  Additionally these bars don't close until four or five in the morning, further making America look stupid, the beer is better than your mother ever told you sex would be, and the weiner schnitzel would turn any man gay. 
Also its 11:58 and I have class in five minutes, the rest of Germany will have to be explained later, I'll finish you guys off then
moment of zen

Shane hooked up with him

Just Solved World Hunger*

I meant my own hunger, boom falafel sandwich...that is all

It's no coincidence that Greece started rioting right when Lisa came to town

Some facts about what I have seen in Europe, mixed with one lie, if you guess which one I'll give you Lisa for free

One of the skinnier women we saw on the beach

Beaches are a little different here, some people are allowed to be topless, but there is a law, slipped into Greece's constitution, that only women who have long since lost any sexual desirability are allowed to walk around topless.  Another rule is that their tits have to sag at least one foot, otherwise they are unable to take off their tops, thank god for democracy.  In other news most men are allowed to wear speedos, especially if they are recovering frat boys from the united states who think they still have it.  Also greek men have the innate ability to grow their chest hair out to the length of grass that hasnt been cut for two weeks, so long that the hair pokes through their shirts all over, looking like plants germinating out of the ground in the spring.  The greeks also have an infatuation with economic depression and abysmally high ranges of debts, you can often see ruined businessmen masturbating to falling stock prices and prodigious public policy spending projects, its an odd fetish, but makes sense in this part of the world.

A close up view of Lisa's Head, day one

Lisa immediately took a liking to the greek ideals of "bathe once a week or not at all" and has been steadily acquiring the musk of a slowly rotting caribou carcass, with multiple lice communities holding powwows in her hair and more than a few beetles taking refuge in her warm orifices.  Personally I think it was a welcome change from her various perfumes and 'lovely scents' that reeked of capitalism and reminded me of something ayn rand would have enjoyed wearing, such decadence I have never before smelled.  One riotous moment was when lisa boldly declared "i'd much rather go down on THOSE donkeys," professing her disdain for the donkeys she had previously ridden with wild, lustly, abandon earlier in the day.  Only a truly evil woman can move between her various partners (of various species) with such nonchalance and  capriciousness.  Now though I have to go rub sunscreen on a few greek women who have just been dying for me to penetrate them, understandable considering the tight black leather pants I wore to the beach yesterday.  Good thing its not lent and I can use protection again, only god (who doesn't exist) knows that I am much too promiscuous for my own good.  I apologize for the brevity of this experience (I meant to say that to these women, not you guys).
 Moment of Zen:   There are packs of wild dogs running all around greece because it is actually illegal to euthanize a dog or cat, during the day these animals are nice and cute but at night they run around barking and yelping at everything that passes, and attack people if they are not fed and taken care of.
That is greece

A cat ready to do battle with the humans at night