The Jews and Their Foibles (don't be offended, I love them)

Jews are an interesting sort of people, the type that get their own country no matter how many other countries attack them simultaneously, and then they do what they want, when they want, in those borders, because, well, they have the worlds best army.  Before I ventured to Jewrusalem to find the legendary pot of Jew gold that Eric Cartman (one of my good friends) kept telling me was real I had maybe met four Jews in my life (hereafter referred to as Jesus killers, joking!).  But I knew I would find a kindred spirit in them due to my circumcision (who puts a hat on a sausage, really god?) and my tight tight pockets and my penchant for napping all of Saturday.  Little did I know that I was about to enter a maelstorm of "shalom shabbot"s, "you can't touch that girl"s and "Lisa cant wear booty shorts here"s and big tall black ten gallon hats and qui gon jin (star wars) hair curls and elevators that go to every single floor for 25 hours each week.  For days I have been surrounded by this strange culture that has never known the joy of a bacon cheeseburger, a college football game (on shabbos!) or a regular bowel movement (you try eating no dairy with your meals for two weeks, and I guarantee its going to look like pearl harbor in there).  At first I was afraid, i was petrified, kept thinking i could never keep jehovah satisfied, and then I spent so many nights with my kippa on my dome...something like that....

Lol Untrue Stereotypes!!!

But in time I grew to cherish these silly, cute jews, in the same way some people like the smurfs, they are sooo different and strange, but you cant look away when blue skinned people are talking.  Some of my favorite Jew facts, I swear, include these -
1. No pigs can touch the state of israel, and in order to get around this minor oddity the israelis raise pigs on pieces of timber that are elevated one meter above the ground, problem solved, bacon for the pagans, no sin for the jews!
2. One can't use a telephone on shabbos, but it is considered a mitzvah (something about a glory to God, kind of like finding a two for one for famous footwear on the ground) to have sex or get drunk on shabbos (which is conveniently 25 hours long)
3. Shabbos doesnt end until three stars are showing in the sky
4. Every place of living has to have a bomb shelter, maybe now my mom won't make fun of me for wanting reinforced concrete windows panes
5. Every beer comes with a 'free' shot, which is often nothing more than one drop of jaegermester/tequila/vodka mixed with delicious, sobering water...or, if you're lucky, they might give you a shot of arak, which tastes something like vaginal cheese, spunk and horse blood in a delectable 100 ml shot glass
6. I met someone who has been smoking hookah since he was five years old, and then I cried for all the years of lung-blackening I had missed out on
7. Israelis are some of the meanest people you will ever meet, lines (or queues) have little to no significance to them, they will push you out of the way, the taxi drivers will try to scam you constantly, and they will oggle any american girls that walk by (or dashing lads)
8. The bars are packed with IDF members (the israeli equivalent of the military, but way better, and not filled with dumb people (USA USA)), who Lisa loves to flirt with when she is blackout drunk, necessitating me staying with her until four in the morning to derail a potential 'gang bang' situation
9. Certain Jews can't listen to female singers over the age of 13, which means they can still listen to Justin Bieber (zing!)...This would be an empty world indeed, imagine a world without Cher's "Believe" and Trina's raunchy classic "My Neck, My Back"
10. Every four steps you take in Jerusalem accrues a mitzvah, which means that I could probably have sex with a goat (lisa style), every day for the rest of my life and still make it to heaven, yessssssssssssssssssss

Kinda Like My Favorite Christians for Abortion Group

Well I'm all out of Jew facts, I bet you are Jew, I mean too, no i meant Jew
Moment of Zen -

Is there anything they can't do?