I am well aware that you all waited with bated breath, slept little and ate nothing but rice cakes during the five days that I was forced/whipped/seduced/coherced/bamboozled/anally probed into joining the world's favorite STD showroom lisa Petersen on a honeymoon to the exotic island of Santorini (located somewhere in the mythical mediterranean sea, right by the mythical clitorris). It has taken a month, filled with LSD, hookers and Fall out Boy listening parties to clear the stench of this horriffic odyssey from the dark depths of my mind. I feel now, after a few back alley blow jobs, a lovely new mail order Thai bride, and a hundred tablets of zanax and prozac a day, that I am able to talk about this death defying endeavour without shitting myself.
To begin with we landed in the city of Athens, a city once proud of its cultural heritage, but one that has now seemingly given up and stopped trying to be anything more than a cesspool and a kennel for stray dogs and hairy greek men. In greece it is illegal to spay or neuter dogs, and it is the legal obligation of everyone to take care of these dogs, which no one does because, if you didn't know, greece has a collective economy of four dollars a day (for around 30 million people). Because of this at night the dogs, which are extremely docile and kind of cute (if flea infested) during the day, join into packs which roam the streets and legitmately try to attack passing cars and people in order to satiate their empty stomachs. Since Greece has no money to speak of everyone is Athens spends their days trying to rip everything from their pockets, which Lisa made easy by giving her wallet to the first cute guy she saw. Three hours after we left Athens on a ferry into the mediterranean the entire city erupted into riots that eventually turned violent (something about the government cutting 50% of its budget and leaving lots of people homeless and out of work, what a bunch of fucking whiners), which was lucky to say the least.
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| Lovely Tolerant Little Place |
On the expansive ocean liner that we took to Santorini a suave 40 year old Australian gentleman sat next to us and regaled us about his life story and showed us many magic tricks. This of course tremendously titillated Lisa, who, if you haven't heard four billion times, went to Australia last spring and is convinced that it is a land of milk and honey devoid of problems, hate, racism or debased aboriginal communities who were hunted down and slaughtered by the white australian people she loves so much. Naturally she flirted with him like it was her business (she actually has a business for this, the flyers are all over Kenya already) and we discovered that he was a traveling plumber who had fixed toilets in every corner of the world (this is real life people)...casual cultural encounter occurring here. Additionally he graced us with one of the more magnificent magic tricks I have ever seen...this man, possibly through divine or clairvoyant powers, was able to guess what finger (1 or 2) we were holding behind our backs ONE OUT OF THREE TIMES!!!! It was truly an inspirational moment and only made me fall further into my devout belief in the superstitious and supernatural. After Lisa finished him off we disembarked from the ferry and Lisa bared her breasts so we could get a cheap cab ride to our villa (literally called a villa, holla).
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| My gorgeous date |
The island that we reached is a veritable paradise, filled with legs of sizzling gyro meat every ten feet and lots of cute greek boys (greeks love man-boy love, seriously) and some of the most beautiful cliffs/beaches/hills/volcanos in the entire world. But that's not very funny to talk about. Some of the things Lisa engaged in during our five days in Santorini include driving me around the entire island on a motorcycle, jumping off a cliff (sadly not for the right reasons :/ ), not giving me head the 100 times I asked, not spooning with me on my goddamn honeymoon, failing to put on sunscreen on the beach because she said (public health major here) that "the sun is as harmless as global warming" and also buying 30 dollars worth of fried squid only to say that it was 'too chewy' (real life).
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| The internet is a simply wonderful thing |
Now to the center of the story. This sojourn to the beachy wonderland of Santorini was dubbed a 'honeymoon' by Lisa, but instead of engaging in raunchy cowboys and indians foreplay sex with me she locked herself in a carnal struggle with a serious of donkeys and goats. Typical.
I have to go watch another Jew get circumcised now.
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| Yummy! |
You might be saying, "this blog wasn't even that funny, the story cuts off halfway through and it wasn't even that captivating to begin with," you might even say that "lisa didn't really do these things, i know that she is an upstanding girl and not quite as ditsy as you artfully portrayed." To those ignorant queefs I respond with
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| Thank god this man existed |
And now quite bitching, I'm in the middle of an early life crisis involving eating too much delicious hummus and falafel right now.
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