'Bout to Leave Yo

Disclaimer - not all views and opinions and 'facts' and sentences in this blog and its follow-ups are necessarily true.  Rather its like the bible, some good ideas mixed with a ton of shit that is steeped in metaphor but not necessarily truth; but dont worry I'm a religious studies major so I can say stuff like that and its not offensive, its in my degree!
Grammar nazis beware, i get off confusing their/there/they're and your/youre
     
   Maybe you all heard, or maybe you didn't, i don't really care.  But i got a grant from alcoholics anonymous to travel the world this summer and find out why so many people are alcoholics around the world. i.e taste all the alcohols available and rate them and recommend which ones should be banned if we are to continue this civilization thing.  So i'll be informing everyone about how that holier than thou mission goes.  For the most part though I'll be embarrassing America like George Bush and Dick Cheney never thought was possible, any damage they did to the international view of democracy will surely pale in comparison to my exploits. 

       In other news the undertone of my deployment (so to speak) is to keep an eye on Lisa Petersen, and make sure she doesnt cause an international crisis, which the state department has feared for years.  It took a team of trained agents to keep her in check in australia, and now that job falls to me.  I'll make sure to report back on how many goats she tries to seduce and whether or not she falls for multiple pyramid schemes in a single day.  So I'll have my hands full there, and then on the side I have to video tape bryan james englebert running in three different countries, because everyone knows he looks like a white, bleached gumby when he runs, so that'll be on the youtube before you can blink and say "justin biebers a whore."

If you are able to parse through the bullshit and sarcasm in here and decipher what actually happened all summer with me and Lisa, well then you have too much time on your hands and should go masturbate or do something more useful.  I'll be constantly propositioning Lisa to sleep with me, because Lord knows I want genital herpes.  Somewhere in this journey me and Lisa are going on a fake (or so she thinks) honeymoon to santorini, where I hear the nude beaches are quite lovely this time of year.  Good thing I recently naired my entire body so I'll be looking something like Michael Phelps out on those beaches, if Michael Phelphs was skinny, emaciated and looked like he recently had a wretched bowl movement and enema

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When I'm not getting kicked out of clubs for being devilishly funny and a bit of an egomaniac Lisa and I are hard at work considering the various ways to end the Palestinian/Israeli conflict.  So far we have written down on this piece of paper, "bake sale," "bean bag competition," and "convert to atheism so there aren't any goddamn religious things to quibble about," I'm a big fan of a bake sale, nothing brings together disparate cultures like white chocolate macademia cookies. 

But what I really wanted to say (santeria?) is that I'm leaving for Amsterdam on Wednesday so if you care at all about my pathetic, inane, vapid, boring, egocentric, wasteful, debilitating, debauched existence in the least you can read what my frantic and fragile mind is thinking on this.  I'm thinking about posting the video of my circumcision when I get to Israel on here (thoughts!), i think it would be a brilliant way for people to get to know me !!!

I'll keep everyone thoroughly up to date on how many times lisa gets lost (over under is 8, anyone wanna bet?), and I promise I won't do anything stupid all summer.

I leave you with the moment of zen

If pictures are a thousand words, and black men really do have huge penises, then this picture is worth your weight in gold - this is my summer
Tune in next week for "what happens between Lisa and Farmer Williams goat stays between Lisa and Farmer Williams goat" (goat jokes are always funny)